So, Now What?

"What do you do all day?" "Are you bored?" "Are you going to go to school, or work, or anything like that?" --being interpreted as: 

"What are you doing with your life? Anything?" 

…Well, yeahhh…. I was planning on doing something with my life, thank you very much. The next year and a half or so anyway... I was going to be a missionary; not just someone who professed to believe in Christ, I wanted to flood the earth with the knowledge of Him. For a year and a half, I was planning to devote every thought, action, event, and purpose of every day to finding people who are looking for answers. Answers that the gospel of Jesus Christ brings.
That was my focus. 

Fast forward to now. 2 and a half weeks post surgery… I can't carry my own food to the dinner table.

(crutches:1 brie:0) 

I can't sleep through the night because my knee aches, cramps, and expresses its frustration with being hurt; I can't do any activity for an extended period of time because I get tired; I can't even kneel down to pray at night, so have resorted to standing on one leg and trying not to fall over when I close my eyes. Guess how much fun it is to walk everywhere on crutches, using a backpack to carry all your stuff? Not very.

Really though, the physical recovery has been a breeze. 

It's the mental recovery that has taken the biggest toll.

That itty bitty voice prompting me to call it quits in my soccer game was probably definitely right; that adds a fair share of guilt, knowing that my injury was self-induced. Every time someone asks (with definitely good intentions) what I do with all this extra free time and how I fill my days, it opens up a whole can o' worms --or emotions-- and the feels start comin out, usually in less than pretty eye leakage. sore subject? yep, a little. 

I am bored. Out of place. I want to be useful, productive...

K PAUSE. pausa. parece. halt. 

By now... you're either shaking your head in dismay, or you're annoyed by my obnoxious "feel bad for me" vibe. Frankly, I hope its the latter because I'm annoyed too. 
I only brought it up because this past week or so has been a tad of a toughie. It doesn't matter how many books I read, movies I watch, or desserts I eat, there is still something off. I had a good 2 or 3 days when I felt downright crummy for myself. With a long list of suggestions to stay busy and zero motivation to do any of it, it makes for the internal battle of a lifetime. Then I realized.. 

"hey! It's aiight homie. Everything is going to be okay. When weeks are tough, you are stressed for no reason and just reaaaally feel like poop, that is okay."<---inside-head-self-talk… I don't say poop in public ;)

Can we just take a second and think about how incredible this life really is? I mean honestly… cliche comment here we go: Life is a gift. 

and a pretty awesome one at that.

Usually we have an idea or a plan for what we want in our lives, and usually they are good, worthy goals! Then sometimes it may feel like your "gift" wasn't exactly what you put on your wish list… but just like those handmade socks your grandma gives you every christmas, you realize that "gift" may not be all that pretty, or something you weren't really asking for… but it is tailor made for YOU, unique for your situation, and loaded with endless opportunities ever heard of a sock bun?. 

Your "gift" is something special, if you choose to see it that way. 

the gift of a sock… gift of life… sock bun…endless opportunities… yeah? 

Gosh I'm hilarious.

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let's be real folks; 

I'm just an abnormally normal 20-something girl and {sometimes} I don't have any idea what I'm talking about. BUT, I have decided that in the midst of adjustments, set-backs, let downs, and "blah" days… I'm on a search for happiness.

we could all use a little bit more of that ^

Sometimes, that happiness is found polishing off an entire pint of ice cream with a good chick flick and enjoying every second of it. Other times, that joy will be found in the realization of so many wonderful lessons, opportunities, and blessings. It's obvious that some days are really super great, and other days are kinda on the lame side. And that is A-okay, because the highs and lows are the things that truly make life what it is: 

a gift.

eat some chocolate, take a selfie, and have a good day. you deserve it.