Get Over It: The Driver is in Control

… it's been 6 weeks since my ACL/2x Meniscus Surgery… 

And I'm finally WALKING! 

Recovery has been great, and everything seems to be on track. 
Mr. Doctor said I have 6 more weeks then I can begin j o g g i n g and increasing the intensity of my workouts. The first week of June I am scheduled for another follow up, where hopefully we can start the process of getting cleared to go back out on my mission! (As of now, we're not exactly sure what that process is… But it involves medical clearance and the O.K from church leaders). Still no soccer, but I think I'll be okay with that ;) 

The initial shock, frustration, and downright lameness of having to come home has worn off {i think}. Next, enter "So, Now What?" phase.  Every day I went from the bed to the couch to the computer to the couch then back to the bed. There was also some laying on the floor staring at the ceiling until my eyes glazed over. 

You may be thinking "Omgh that sounds like a dream to just do nothing all day…everyday…with a few days more of nothing…" but it wasn't. 

Okay, I'm dramatic… 

Really, I had plenty of things I could do that substantially added to my bed-to-couch-to-bed routine. Reading books, watching shows, playing the piano… So, what the heck had my panties in a wad?
----------------> I am a very independent, driven, forward-focusing person. 
Oh, and I like being in control. <--------------------

Just ask my mom about my 3 year old self asking to switch parent/child roles with her so that I could be in charge instead of her... But, when I tore my ACL--ironically trying to take control, this time in a soccer game-- everything changed. The past six weeks, I have felt completely… Dependent. Unmotivated. Dwelling on the Past. Out of control. Complete opposites of how I've always lived my life, everything I've identified myself with.

Can anyone say mid-life crisis? 

{Minus the mid-life, but add the drama} 

Gaaaaaah! It's HARD to give up control. It's HARD to accept that sometimes there is nothing I can do. And, it's REALLY HARD to admit that I don't understand everything. {namely, why certain things happen, for example} It's been painful, embarrassing, and all sorts of lame… But it's also been "good". I have a feeling that  these shenanigans are going to be preeeety beneficial to my growth, and ultimately, my life. *sighs*

Because here's what I've decided to do about the hard stuff, lame stuff, and the stuff I can't control:

Get over it.

In the wonderful words of the beloved Disney Princess Elsa… Let it go! 

Cuz in reality, aka life, there is only so much we can control. What I thought I had planned isn't turning out quite the way I hoped… Get over it. 

If you are someone like me who tends to base your entire existence on the "control" factor, it can be pretty eye opening when you realize… God doesn't work that way. Our purpose isn't to figure everything out, then carry out our life according to our plan… we are here on this planet to try, make mistakes, and recognize the Master's Hand throughout the journey. He is in control.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Story time:
{I call it, the "Drive of Life" hehe} 

We are the backseat driver. We think we know exactly where to go and how we should get there, and we have a lot of things to say to the Driver. 
"Turn Left!"… 

"Jeez, why are you driving so slow?"… 

"I don't see the point of stopping here… can we get on with it?" 

Occasionally, the Driver will let us make the decision--because as the backseat driver we obviously know best--but sometimes, the Driver will completely ignore our suggestion and instead take a turn He has chosen. We may be confused and/or frustrated at this new change in course... we can't see how the Driver's turn could possibly make sense. (We're backseat drivers, we know everything!) Except, the Driver has not forgotten our end destination. The Driver has the map… He's been there, He knows what he's doing. 

Sooooo moral of the story, let's not be the backseat driver. Maybe we don't know exactly where we are going, or why we made that pit stop… but get over it, will ya? 
We aren't in control… The Driver is.

Yeah, I can't do a lot of things right now. And I guess you could say I made a little "pit stop" in my life with this whole injury thing. But while still trying to read the map and figure out where to go, I've decided to not stress too much... I'm letting My Driver take control.

Allow God to be the Driver of your life. 

He has our life in His Hands, so let's have faith that He knows where He wants us to be, 

and He will help us get there. 

Once you can do that, simply sit back and enjoy the ride. ;)

Part of that "not stressing" involved a quick weekend road-trip with my daddy-o to Utah! Complete with Spanish church audios, reading and acting out my sci-fi fiction novel, and singing our hearts out to Kelly Clarkson. Definitely a road-trip to remember :)

Erin aka 1st place Heptathlon winner at BYU aka best friend

Marlee's Engagement + Rita's Gelati = Happiness

Crying becuz it rained on us… but also cuz
SARAH in the flesh!!

Find beautiful people and
make them be your friend. That's what I did

So, Now What?

"What do you do all day?" "Are you bored?" "Are you going to go to school, or work, or anything like that?" --being interpreted as: 

"What are you doing with your life? Anything?" 

…Well, yeahhh…. I was planning on doing something with my life, thank you very much. The next year and a half or so anyway... I was going to be a missionary; not just someone who professed to believe in Christ, I wanted to flood the earth with the knowledge of Him. For a year and a half, I was planning to devote every thought, action, event, and purpose of every day to finding people who are looking for answers. Answers that the gospel of Jesus Christ brings.
That was my focus. 

Fast forward to now. 2 and a half weeks post surgery… I can't carry my own food to the dinner table.

(crutches:1 brie:0) 

I can't sleep through the night because my knee aches, cramps, and expresses its frustration with being hurt; I can't do any activity for an extended period of time because I get tired; I can't even kneel down to pray at night, so have resorted to standing on one leg and trying not to fall over when I close my eyes. Guess how much fun it is to walk everywhere on crutches, using a backpack to carry all your stuff? Not very.

Really though, the physical recovery has been a breeze. 

It's the mental recovery that has taken the biggest toll.

That itty bitty voice prompting me to call it quits in my soccer game was probably definitely right; that adds a fair share of guilt, knowing that my injury was self-induced. Every time someone asks (with definitely good intentions) what I do with all this extra free time and how I fill my days, it opens up a whole can o' worms --or emotions-- and the feels start comin out, usually in less than pretty eye leakage. sore subject? yep, a little. 

I am bored. Out of place. I want to be useful, productive...

K PAUSE. pausa. parece. halt. 

By now... you're either shaking your head in dismay, or you're annoyed by my obnoxious "feel bad for me" vibe. Frankly, I hope its the latter because I'm annoyed too. 
I only brought it up because this past week or so has been a tad of a toughie. It doesn't matter how many books I read, movies I watch, or desserts I eat, there is still something off. I had a good 2 or 3 days when I felt downright crummy for myself. With a long list of suggestions to stay busy and zero motivation to do any of it, it makes for the internal battle of a lifetime. Then I realized.. 

"hey! It's aiight homie. Everything is going to be okay. When weeks are tough, you are stressed for no reason and just reaaaally feel like poop, that is okay."<---inside-head-self-talk… I don't say poop in public ;)

Can we just take a second and think about how incredible this life really is? I mean honestly… cliche comment here we go: Life is a gift. 

and a pretty awesome one at that.

Usually we have an idea or a plan for what we want in our lives, and usually they are good, worthy goals! Then sometimes it may feel like your "gift" wasn't exactly what you put on your wish list… but just like those handmade socks your grandma gives you every christmas, you realize that "gift" may not be all that pretty, or something you weren't really asking for… but it is tailor made for YOU, unique for your situation, and loaded with endless opportunities ever heard of a sock bun?. 

Your "gift" is something special, if you choose to see it that way. 

the gift of a sock… gift of life… sock bun…endless opportunities… yeah? 

Gosh I'm hilarious.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

let's be real folks; 

I'm just an abnormally normal 20-something girl and {sometimes} I don't have any idea what I'm talking about. BUT, I have decided that in the midst of adjustments, set-backs, let downs, and "blah" days… I'm on a search for happiness.

we could all use a little bit more of that ^

Sometimes, that happiness is found polishing off an entire pint of ice cream with a good chick flick and enjoying every second of it. Other times, that joy will be found in the realization of so many wonderful lessons, opportunities, and blessings. It's obvious that some days are really super great, and other days are kinda on the lame side. And that is A-okay, because the highs and lows are the things that truly make life what it is: 

a gift.

eat some chocolate, take a selfie, and have a good day. you deserve it. 

Grateful for the Little Things

WOOOOOOP!! (say it with me.. come on, nice and loud) WOOOOOOP!! sometimes it's nice to just get a lil crazy and let out some emotion. For me, the wooooop sounded a little more like AGHKEJSUDHLJF… yeah, try and figure that one out. Mix a growing dose of cabin fever with a fairly high pain threshold paired with some drugs, I really don't know what I'm saying anymore. 

Anyway, hi there! Thought I would post an update regarding my status post-surgery. The big day was Thursday, March 12th and I was at the hospital pretty much all day. For all you medical peeps out there, they used an autograft from my hamstring to make a new and improved ACL ligament, and repaired my medial meniscus via sutures. They also found a wittle surprise when they got in there and had to cut out part of my lateral meniscus cuz it tore too. --i know fútbol got kinda crazy, but really Brie?--

mom and me pre-surgery!

home post-op..
pretty drugged

Before

<----------

and

----------> 

After

Today I saw the doc again for my post-op-take-the-bandaids-off-give-me-a-lollipop-appointment. except I didn't get a lollipop :( He took the surgery suction sock off and all the bandages, and gave me the go ahead to take a shower! no more sponge bath for me! 
it's the little things, folks.

Disclaimer: the following content may be inappropriate for children (or those acting like children) 

Graphic images included, viewer discretion is advised.

hey that's me! poor lil knee...

self-disintegrating stitches! they make those?!

Sorry for the orange hue of ma leg… 
couldn't stay away from the self-tanner ;)

























Because they repaired my meniscus (stitched it back up rather than chop it up and take it out) that is good for the long run, cuz I'll need all that cushioning in my knee for the next long while of my wonderfully active life! Only downside is the month-long non-weight-bearing rehab.
^aka no walking. "armpit bruises for days!" sincerely, crutches.
BUT that's okay! Cuz after 4-6 weeks I can start walking… then I can start biking and jogging… then before I know it I'll be able to do anything! --except maybe play soccer. or teleport.--

------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of the many blessings of being slightly immobile is learning to be grateful for the little things.

Here are some things that may seem little, 

but I am sure as heck grateful for em!

-food-making skills. you go mom! Keep doing mom things, because all that 'mom'ing is really helpin me out.
really though, I can't even fill up my water bottle and take it to the couch myself…

-disney movies. do you realize how much do-good-be-nice-be-happy stuff is in those shows?! Big Hero 6 has my vote right now. Watch it on Norco and you'll like it even more.

-down time. I know it's only been a month and a half since the injury, but I am really likin the "forced to sit down and just BE" lifestyle. it's amazing how many types of roses you actually notice when you take the time to stop and smell them.

Referring back to the opening word of this post...

 WOOOOOP!!

that's what I said when I opened my email inbox this morning… Missionary Monday means emails from all my fellow mission buds! I have a lot of friends who have been out serving for awhile now, but this particular week hit me hard... Because of my Peru MTC friends. They left for their individual mission fields last week… and I would have been with them. So, without getting into the juicy deets and feels (that was my last post) I'll just tell you that I was more than excited to read everyone's update about their first week out serving the Lord :)

thanks for sending all those prayers up to the Big Man for me… they were felt on my end, and definitely heard on His. I am in good hands… I am on the road to recovery!

Thank you Chinese Fortune… you know me so well.

A Change in Plans

As I sit down {back at home} to write about my fun lil Change in Plans… There are kiiiind of a lot of emotions running in circles in dat brain of mine. If you're looking to exercise your empathy, or you are just curious, I'm going to try to explain my feelings about my current si-chew-aye-shun.* *"situation" for all you non-MadGab players*

Disclaimer: I've never been too good at explaining emotion… I would much rather just sweat it out with a nice long, fast run or intense workout circuit and loud music. But that's not exactly an option for me as of late, so I figured the next best option would be this: 

Identify, Accept, and Address my "feels." 

*cringes at the thought*

Wish me luck…
it might be therapeutic and also a little messy, but I'm sure we'll both come out on top.

You've been warned.

I am sure you've heard by now (if you haven't, this could be awkward) … it took me my whole athletic life to go without any major injury. Then, 2 weeks into my mission I played 5 minutes too long and half a second too rough in a --pickup-- soccer game at the MTC and… 

major injury.

Final verdict: complete rupture of my ACL and torn Medial Meniscus in my right knee. 

:D 

(tilt your head sideways mom, it's a smiley face)

^the sarcasm of that smiley face is actually oozing out of my ears right now. I am currently at home in California… currently bored, bummed out, and severely out of place. Luckily, surgery is soon(ish) --March 12-- and then its on the fast track (4-6 months) to rehab and recovery so I can get back out to the mission field!!!

---------------------------------------------------------

I am a very logical person --I've always been a "why" child--- so with that in mind, it was natural, even expected of me to question why. 

Why did this happen? 

I mean, other than as a result of me trying to do a bicycle kick to score the winning goal…

Why now all of the sudden?

4 back to back sports 4 years in a row in HS, then 2 years of collegiate track at BYU without ANY injury…

Why me of all people?

On the Lord's time, following His call to serve… I'm doing everything right!

Well, I am still a very logical person and I still want to have answers… 
but I have decided to ask a similar, but at the same time very different question.

Why not?

Why shouldn't this happen? Why not now all of the sudden? Why not me?

I mean, sure… 

if I hadn't torn my ACL, I would have been {thoroughly} enjoying my last week of language and gospel training in Peru with some of the most incredible friends and fellow missionaries in the world, and would soon be headed off to Bolivia to share the message of Jesus Christ.

if I hadn't torn my ACL, I would not have to rethink my plans for the next six months of my life post-surgery, or sit at home {alone} with limited walking ability while everyone continues on with their normal, uninterrupted lives.

BUT

if I hadn't torn my ACL and meniscus, and bruised both my Femur and Tibia bones from the impact, I would not be experiencing "A-Z" of what has come about because of my injury… things that either I or someone else needs in this very moment of my life.

Sooooo, here's a neither comprehensive nor cohesive (but hopefully creative) list of 

events, reasons, or lessons learned that have/will come about in the next 6 months.

A-ask for increased perspective. 

B-be positive and optimistic about all things in life

C-crack jokes with my mom and dad over the dinner table

D-dip bananas in PEANUT BUTTER you can only find in the states

E-eat new recipes my mom was waiting to try with me

F-fix up an at-home workout gym in our house

G-grab a few extra hugs from my dad throughout the day

H-help my parents with their math homework

I-increase my internet-savvyness as I build up my blog

J-joke around with my new Physical Therapy friends

K-keep the lessons I learned at the MTC and applying them at home

L-love Dad's homemade breakfasts

M-make faces at the crying baby in the store to make him smile

N-never letting the negativity of the situation stick around 

O-open my mouth about the Gospel, and inviting people to ASK

P-pray for guidance, gratitude, and patience in all things

Q-quit feeling bad for myself

R-reach out to old friends, new acquaintances, and fellow humans

S-show everyone the joy of Christlike love and relationship

T-take 5(months) to reflect on the blessings

U-understand that positivity and progress is the purpose

V-valiently strive to be an example and follower of Jesus

W-work to grow even amidst setbacks

X-x-ray… at least I didn't get one of those!

Y-yogurt (in healthy or frozen form) is available in surplus

Z-zzzzzzzz. we all need a little more sleep don't we?

Okay, thats 26 things that are easily direct results of tearing my ACL and coming home. I don't blame you if you skimmed the list, but here's a quiz just to make sure you understand my point.

The blessings and opportunities that I have seen from this injury already are 
too many to count.

Really, the whole process has been incredible. (increíble!)

I've been blessed with a very calm reassurance from God that HE is in charge here. 
I have a firm belief in knowing there is a reason for why this happened to me at this very specific point in time. I am anxiously waiting to be recovered, but also feel very calm and reassured about there truly being a purpose for EVERYTHING that happens.

Sinceremente, 

Thank you to everyone who has sent support, encouragement, and prayers my way. 
(and for reading my blog posts!) I am so grateful for the chance I had to go to Peru, study spanish, learn the gospel, and love the people around me with a level of sincerity that I've never quite experienced. I am also grateful for this chance to be home, apply what I've learned, and seek to come even closer to my Savior as He is the one who carries me.

"she is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." 

-Proverbs 31:25

Loomis to Lima… and Back

Welp, hello! Week 4 was definitely one full of adventures, spontaneaty (sp?), and lots of emotions. AKA I have had more ice cream this past week than I think Ive ever had in my life... and Ive also recieved hugs and sentiments from missionaries, teachers, and cafeteria workers alike, some of whom Ive never met but wanted to wish me well.


---------the suspense is building--------


Remember way back when (week 1) I told you that I loved playing soccer here at the CCM because the latinos play and think im a stud Hermana, and all the North Americans just have a blast? Then remember the next week (week 2) I told yall that I was playing soccer and slightly tweaked my knee... The following week I enjoyed nice long walks to and from the doctors office and worked on my tricep muscles while walking through the hallways... on crutches. Over time I was able to put more weight on my knee, as well as increase the mobility of it, so things were looking good! I was more than frustrated, however, when the doctor would check out my knee and fail to give me any clear diagnostic or anything. Week three was in motion, and the doc suggested I go to the "local" hospital

(45min away without traffic) 

and get an MRI to see if we can discover the issue.

So, I did.

Results came on Monday (the 22nd) ... and this time tomorrow I will be on a flight back home to California. I am coming home to have surgery on a completely ruptered ACL in my right knee.

The competition level obviously was a little too real playing fútbol... 

Can you see where the emotions, spontaneous change of plans, and "adventures" come in? Stay tuned for the updates... Once I sign off of the computer I am headed back up to my room to pack my bags. I leave the CCM at 9:30pm tonight, right after my District and I have the best send-off goodbye ever!! :) #peruknowshowtoparty #icecreamanyone?

Thank you for all of the support and prayers since I have been here. The love I have felt has been incredible. I really cant describe how I am feeling...at all... but one thing I CAN describe is the reality of my relationship with God. I have complete faith that everything happens for a reason... cliché and all. I am BEYOND sad to leave my district family here at the CCM and wouldnt wish this on anybody... but I know that my life is in the Lords hands. He knows me, He knows what I need, and He knows what will happen.

(i guess if I have to go home, these are the studs I'd want to spend my last day here with!)

Heres to a quick recovery so I can head back out into the mission field as soon as possible! :)

LOVE YOU ALL, thank you for the prayers. 

Loomis peeps, I guess I will be seeing you soon.

XOXO
HNA Simmons